You are the One You’ve Been Waiting For
You are the One You’ve Been Waiting For is an Internal Family Systems therapy book my therapist recommended to me in 2020. At the time, not only were we collectively navigating a global pandemic but I was also personally moving through a breakup. When I heard the title, I looked at my therapist with a face that said, “Really?” It was such a punch in the gut to consider turning toward myself when every fiber of my being wanted to turn to this other person.
I reluctantly read the book and I hate to say it but… she was right.
So many of us hold a deep-seated belief about ourselves regarding our unlovability, unworthiness, or brokenness. This belief can be so deep that it’s often operating within us and our relationships subconsciously. What is often more conscious are the strategies developed, or what IFS would call “Protectors,” in an effort to get what we need through an indirect route. Strategies such as people-pleasing, perfectionism, or even numbing-out. In health and wellness, these strategies can show up as “clean eating,” having the “right body,” or compulsive eating. These strategies or protectors help us get what we need when —for whatever reason— it’s difficult to ask for it directly.
Asking for what we need directly can bring up a lot of things within us, partly because it’s so incredibly vulnerable to let our needs be seen and known. This is especially true if those needs seem “unreasonable” or conflict with an existing self-identity. But there’s equally a lot to say about the beauty of asking for something directly. Mark Nepo wrote about it beautifully in The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have.
We waste so much energy trying to cover up who we are, when beneath every attitude is the want to be loved, and beneath every anger is a wound to be healed, and beneath every sadness is the fear that there will not be enough time.
When we hesitate in being direct, we unknowingly slip something on, some added layer of protection that keeps us from feeling the world, and often that thin covering is the beginning of a loneliness which, if not put down, diminishes our chances of joy.
It’s like wearing gloves every time we touch something, and then, forgetting we chose to put them on, we complain that nothing feels quite real. Our challenge each day is not to get dressed to face the world, but to unglove ourselves so that the doorknob feels cold, and the car handle feels wet, and the kiss goodbye feels like the lips of another being, soft and unrepeatable.
IFS helps us be more direct in 2 ways
First is the self-awareness: seeing our strategies as the protectors they are, helping them feel understood, and offering them a different way to accomplish the task. Often times the task involves keeping the one holding the limiting belief safe or keeping others safe from the feelings that one holds.
Second is how we communicate our internal world with the external world when necessary. Oftentimes when a part is running the show, such as a perfectionist part that doesn’t want to break the food rules, the way we speak FOR them rather than FROM them. We can speak for that part to ourselves and if we’re willing to risk the vulnerability, we can say it to someone we’re open to trusting.
Coming full-circle to my heart-break mentioned earlier, I realized there was a part of me that held a belief that I was unlovable, we’ll call her My Little One, but when I was with my ex; I felt redeemed. Without this person, I felt the belief confirmed. In effort to protect me from feeling the pain of being unlovable, I had many protectors supporting: compulsive exerciser, clean eater, and the “perfect partner.” Through a combination of the book I begrudgingly read, IFS therapy, psychodrama, and years of practice; I was able to connect with My Little One, affirm that she was lovable, and relieve my protectors of their roles.
Do these parts still show up? ABSOLUTELY. But the difference is that My Little One knows that she’s lovable just as she is. So when she’s scared or needs something, I can honor that. I can tell her that she’s loved. If she wants to know I’m loved by others, I can ask for that reassurance from people I trust by saying, “I’m noticing an urge to compulsively exercise and I need to be reminded that I’m loved just the way I am. Would you be willing to do that?” And then the receiver of that request can give or withhold consent.
In summary
IFS can help us ask for what we need directly and when we do so, our communication in cleaner, our relationships are clearer, and “the kiss goodbye feels like the lips of another being, soft and unrepeatable.”
