Tools for Changing Behavior: Part 3 of 3
Often change can catch us off guard. It comes like a gust of strong wind and blows away the ideas and structures we have worked so hard at building. Sitting in the rubble we tend to forget the part of us that had been crying out for this very thing. We wish we could take back our secret prayers and scramble to put back the pieces of the comfortable existence we once had.
Sarah Blondin guided meditation, “Accepting Change”
Meditation guide, Sarah Blondin, supports many people navigating great change in her meditation, “Accepting Change.” I imagine these changes can feeling larger than a behavior change, such as an ended relationship or even the loss of a loved one. But sometimes behavior change can lead to the end of a relationship or “the loss of structures we have worked so hard at building.”
What do we do when we’ve gathered the information, made the decision to change, maybe even implemented that change; and we’re still torn and distressed?
Changes in how we care for our bodies can often bring this mixed-feelings reaction because it’s such a personal process. Why we do what we do and how we developed those practices can stem from deeply personal roots and tender beginnings. Making changes to these behaviors can offer hope but also threaten connection to something we hold dear.
One such an example is with a former client and a particular brand of ice cream. This person didn’t experience a lot of caring adults growing up but her grandmother was someone with whom she felt safe. Something she and her grandmother would do is have a particular kind of ice cream together. When she and I met, she had developed a compulsive relationship with this food where she had to have at least one helping every day. It got to the point where she would miss flights because she needed to ensure access to this food.
She and I went through the Stages of Change from Motivational Interviewing and made the Decision Matrix from Cognitive Behavior Therapy. But even after the decision to shift this relationship was clear, there were still emotional blocks that made pivoting hard.
The aforementioned tools have been discussed in Part 1 and 2 of this 3-part blog series. This final installment about Tools for Behavior Change will discuss a final tool that can help us hold the parts of us that struggle with change; even if it’s overall for the best. This tool is called Parts Mapping from Internal Family Systems Therapy.
Marts Mapping from Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy
Parts mapping helps us get some distance from the emotions we’re feeling and hold them from a bit of an arms distance. In a similar way that the Decision Matrix helps get our thoughts out of our head so we can have more clarity, Parts Mapping helps us do that with our emotions so we can have more understand.
Parts Mapping is especially helpful if you’re feeling torn about a few options or you feel hijacked by a feeling or thought. Let’s say you’re trying to fall asleep and you keep playing a conversation over and over in your head. Or you’re walking down the grocery isle and the food noise just won’t be quiet. Or you feel stuck between two arguments and moving forward, favoring one or the other option feels impossible.
Mapping the emotions, thoughts, or in IFS language; parts, helps us gain some distance from the energy so we can better understand it. It’s similar to when a young person is excited to show you something so they hold it really close to your face, too close for you to actually see. Mapping our parts is similar to taking enough space to better see or understand something.
Disclaimer: If you have never had an IFS session, I recommend booking an appointment with an IFS practitioner such as myself. You can also look at the IFS directory and adjust the filters for location, in-person vs online, insurance, etc.
Consider trying when you have a trusted being nearby (it doesn’t need to be a human, my dog is often my trusted being) or something that can affirm that you’re okay (like a certain scent, image, or sensation like a weighted blanket). If at any point you get a sense that this exercise is not a good idea for you at this moment, please listen to that feeling.
Get a piece of paper and a writing utensil. A standard 8.5x11” is ideal but half a page should be big enough, lined or not. Any writing or coloring utensil you’re comfortable with, ideally in a variety of colors but not necessary. If you’re familiar with an iPad for drawing or doodling, use that!
Identify a thought or experience that you struggle to get space from. In the example of my former client, it would be imagining that serving of ice cream and the thoughts that accompany that experience. If there are no thoughts, that’s okay too.
Bring your attention to your sensations. It can be helpful to close your eyes or soften your gaze. You can start by noticing sensation on your skin, the pressure of your seat or the texture of your clothing. The warmth or coldness of the room. If it’s okay, take a breath and notice any internal sensations.
Staying with your sensations, recall the voice or emotion that’s hard to get space from. What sensations show up when you consider this thought, emotion, or scenario they’re connected to? Consider the color, texture, temperature, shape, or feeling.
Mark what you notice on your paper. Since we’re operating outside of our writing/logic mind, I invite you to use less words and more image. If the texture is hard, consider a thick marking (if it has one). If the temperature is warm, consider using an orange or red color. Take your time noticing the qualities of this sensation.
If this is with a second sensation, mark on your page how its relating to the first part: is it beside, above or below it?
Open your curiosity and compassion to these sensations and thoughts. It’s can’t be easy to carry this all the time. If you’re able to be curious, continue with step 7. If you’re not able to be curious and you just want this sensation to go away and be ignored, repeat steps 4 with the voice or feeling that doesn’t want you to notice the first feeling.
Get to know this sensation and consider asking the following questions: What does this sensation or part want or need? What are is this part afraid will happen if it doesn’t get what it wants or needs? Is this familiar? How long has this part felt this way?
If it’s a second part, consider how it feels toward the first part.
Close out with gratitude. After you’ve learned as much as you’re able or the part is interested in sharing with you, I encourage you to send it gratitude. If this is hard, imagine a young person you care for who just told you something important to them. Thank these parts for trusting you with their experience just like you might thank a young person.
Reflect with you new map. Take a moment to ground back into the space you’re physically in. Sometimes its helpful to look around and name a few things that you see. Then come back to your map and reflect on what you learned about this dynamic within yourself and notice how you’re feeling about it now.
Reflection Questions
Consider the following questions as you explore this tool.
What is a thought or scenario you struggle to turn down the volume on?
How long has this been the case for you?
How did you feel about this phenomenon before mapping your parts?
How do you feel about the phenomenon afterward?
How has parts mapping impacted your experience of the thought when it shows up now?
Many times when we bring compassionate curiosity to our experience, it can be destabilizing or overwhelming. More often than not, when I’m helping someone first connect with their parts, there are many parts that show up at once. If you’d like support shifting your experience around intrusive thoughts or persistent noise, I invite you to reach out!
